Shortstory - True Love waits

 

True Love Waits

Her dark-red scarf. Gently he entangled her white neck as if he had never done anything else. Her orange wooly hat. Fused with her red golden hair, as if she wanted to mock the unique fascination of a setting sun. Her petite, yet strong Hands, which were, with few movements, able to draw out the cold of everything they touched. And her all too often seemingly crazy kitten smile, which made inevitably everyone around her beam too. She is in front of me, and despite the darkness I recognize her as clear as if we would sit in the small Café again. The Café in which I noticed her almost unnatural gray eyes, her like in an ecstatic-fabricated painting perfectly scattered freckles and her red scarf the first time. Even now as I stay here, I can barely understand how I could muster the courage to join the gathering of that group of friends. Was it desperation? Hope? I never could tell the difference between both, but I knew from this moment on till today, that my presence on this day at this time at this place was the best decision of my life. She was full of childish enthusiasm, occupied with nibbling on a green blue lollipop with cookie crisps on it. I can hear the gentle crunch sound as if I’m sitting next to her again.

 

I’m not living

I’m just killing time

Your tiny hands

Your crazy kitten smile

 

I was always and still am sure that I didn’t live to this day. For twenty years I was just killing time. It took two hours till we talked to each other. You offered me your half-eaten lollipop. It took two weeks till we always sat next to each other. You insisted on it. It took two months till we saw each other daily. You visited me. It took four months till we kissed each other. You put your arms around my shivering body and soothed me. Eight months followed. Eight months, which were essentially more than every year before together could ever have been. But exactly these years demanded their price inside me - I was broken. Too broken. and you were the only one who saw that. You wanted to save me. Always. Every time I screamed at you, when I insulted you with the most horrible things, pushed you away and hurt you, in my abnormal addiction for your love, you only smiled and whispered

“I won’t leave you. No matter what you do.”

I don’t believe in miracles. But I strongly believe your gentleness and kindness weren’t natural. Even now, as I feel your red scarf around my neck and see into your gray eyes. I gave it my all to give you something back - I washed and massaged your swollen feet when you came from training, I played dressing with your niece, I went outside, whenever you wanted it. I brought myself to go outside. Among people. I really wanted to be saved.  And in the moment you put your self-knitted scarf around my neck, hugged me and whispered in my ear that you’re happy I was born, I knew I would.

 

 

And true love waits

In haunted attics

And true love lives

On lollipops and crisps

  

I thought long and often, thought about when exactly you gave up. You fought. Really, you did. I think I can say I fought too. Not enough. I never made it easy for you, not for a single day. To be fair, the first thing I said to you when you kissed me was that I’m the weakest creature you’ll ever meet. 

“Then I’ll have to be even stronger”. 

You know, I would never resort to use a sickness or my psyche as an excuse for what I did. Ignoring and violating your love and kindness was a conscious decision. Hurting and destroying you were conscious decisions. To test you over and over again was a conscious decision.  But what made me do that? Love? Self-hate? Egoism? I don’t know. But I know that you didn’t lose your seemingly endless hope the moment I destroyed you. Not the moment I tried to kill myself. You lost it when you realized, you’re powerless.  When you told me we would not see each other anymore, there was no hate in your eyes, no blame and certainly no relief. There were only tears.

“I can’t save you” you sobbed. And that you are sorry. Again and again “I am sorry.”  

I didn’t understand. I only saw that you left me. Do you remember how I begged you?

I'll drown my beliefs

To have your babies

I'll dress like your niece

And wash your swollen feet

Don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I’ll do anything, just don’t leave. I’m begging you. Don’t leave me alone. I can change myself. Ich will change myself. Just don’t leave. Don’t leave. 

You truly understand the worth of something only when it’s gone. 

Somewhere along the line I began taking your warmth and your affection for granted. I assumed your strength must indeed be endless. But as we both had to admit, you too are only a human. A human I broke, like I was, and you knew we weren’t good for each other. I had to seek professional help. Someone who could really help me. But I didn’t want to hear any of that and just kept begging. Begged, until you went silent. Even now again, with the two of us being alone here, you’re silent. Even though there would still be so much left we could say to each other.

Just don't leave

Don't leave

Don't leave

Don't leave

The weeks to follow were without a doubt the worst time of my existence,  and I tried far more than once to end it. Did I, though? No. You know I was always a coward. Not even that could I pull through. Instead I cried every day, screamed in my pillow for hours, cutted me, demolished everything in my apartment and sent you thousands of messages. I remember very little from that time, but one thing I still know - I fell asleep every evening with your scarlet in my hands. Your smell was still on it. It soothed me. 

Just don't leave

Don't leave

Don't leave

Don't leave

As we both know now, we can’t live without each other. You are my Life. 

And I  became yours. You are everything, and I’m nothing. You are the love of my life. My true love. How could I have kept going without you? How could I have kept living, knowing that everything that comes now is only a colorless-, scentless- and dull version of the life we could have lived together? My will to live disappeared with you.

They always say true love lasts forever. How long though lasts true hate? Your red scarf is wrapped around my neck now. But your neck is deeply red too. Your empty stare and your pale cheeks are still teary. You didn’t beg. You weren’t afraid. And of course… you didn’t blame me. You only apologized. Again and again. 

As I let reverberate your wonderful soul, which I love and hate, in my memories, I close my eyes and make a step forward, down from the chair, knowing well I won’t get to the same place as you. There’s only one thing left I want to tell you. Only one thing I never said to you even once. 

Thank you.